This post has been bouncing around in my head and in the saved drafts for some time in various forms. I’m having problems making my thoughts coherent and deciding what’s worth talking about and what isn’t. I might just go ahead and post what I have no I can stop worrying about it – I can always follow up with another post for the ideas I don’t get down here.
My mind was first set on this topic by a post on the blog Imaginary Potential that I mentioned in an earlier post. So, the basic idea is that most women in physics/astronomy end up dating/married to other PhD scientists, often within their own field. I liked this post because the author was like me and hadn’t dated other scientists. (Caveat: My relationship history lies solidly in the realm of small number statistics.)
While part of the reason I enjoy dating people who share my non-science interests is that I like having that extra motivation to leave the office and participate in outside activities, I was glad to realize that I wasn’t the only one who was too competitive to date another scientist. I’m not saying that it couldn’t work, I’m just saying I consider it more likely that violence would result. I’m a naturally competitive person and academics is very important to me. In some ways, it’s how I judge my “worth” as a person. I would be threatened if my partner excelled more than I did at academics, but I also wouldn’t want them to do worse – I just don’t think I would be mature enough to handle the natural inequities. Plus, I would never want to be competing with a partner for grants and the like. No good lies down that road with me.
I know a lot of people who have made it work, and I find that impressive. In fact, given how egotistical scientists have the ability to be, I find it somewhat surprising. I can’t imagine having to deal with the situation of one person getting a grant and the other not. I can see the benefit of having a partner who understands (and shares) the demands on your time and your stresses – it makes it much easier to say, “I’m going to go hide in my office for three solid days while I finish X before the deadline.” I’m not quite sure that benefit outweighs the anxiety caused by the 2-body problem – the need to find a location where both people (ideally) have tenure-track jobs. Of course the 2-body (or N, as children are added) problem is capable of being a whole post within itself.
All in all, I am who I am. I have yet to date another scientist (or even someone who studied physics in university), and I don’t know if I ever will. That’s okay – it’s time for me to go climb and train some more martial arts.
